I SOMETIMES write embarrassingly personal stuff, but I don't generally put any of it on the web. I'll be brave this time, tho. I have schizophrenia, and I have a very useless mind to begin with. And I can't work. Like many people in this modern (postmodern? no, I don't know what this word actually means...which is part of the problem!) world, I am just flooded with information. The amount of it in only a single Barnes & Noble bookstore (even a very small one) is almost incomprehensible. And the Web and cable TV and the radio, newspapers, magazines, bathroom stalls, CDs, DVDs, videos, the classics and the pulp, the snooty and the shit, advertising, 20 news channels, opera and Britney... In a word: "OVERLOAD!" And it gets to me, so disabled amid all this stuff. In a moment of experiencing slightly more angst than usual, I wrote this, with all the self-loathing an insane, agnostic, disabled, working class, liberal arts major can muster, and I agree with every word of it right now. I think I might be on Jerry Springer any time now.
I COMPLETED a business writing exercise for a vocational school that I briefly attended. It is a "persuasive memo or letter" (email actually) following a certain prescribed format. I know, it's not technically an "essay."
ABOUT a tenth of people who develop the symptoms of schizophrenia actually get completely better FOREVER (I call them ex-schizophrenics), but that leaves the rest of us who just plain don't. Another ten percent of us with schizophrenia kill ourselves, and even more of us make a really serious effort at it. A lot of us are depressed, which often means even more pills. I suspect the vast majority of us have very low self-esteem. Too many of us turn to alcohol or drugs. I think it's because so many of us live in pain. Our lives hurt. I think most people can almost sympathize with our suffering in terms of the most obvious and florid psychoses, at least when these people are sufficiently enlightened. They get the idea we are mad, and they don't often envy us for that. But we hurt in other ways, so many of them. And many of us know extreme bitterness and grief, knowing we have been thoroughly cheated by the schizophrenia. It turns inward, way too often.... A fellow schizophrenic I know, is reminded of a popular Eagles song from the 1970's. He says we're living in the "Hotel Schizophrenia," and there's no escape...except one.
ACTIVITIES essay....
ANOTHER self put-down....
AN analogy for mild paranoia....
AN open letter to a less-than-innocuus do-gooder, who could not understand some schizophrenic patients that don't rush back into the workplace and strive and strive and strive to get off of disability and welfare.
HERE I talk a bit about the beginnings of my paranoia in my childhood that some might call the prodrome of my illness.
I HAVE this essay for you that describes my cognitive problems, which can be part of the schizophrenia as well as a side effect of the medications. It is not so much being stupid as it is being stupified.
I CALL this one a "paranoid adventure," an everyday task that is almost totally dominated by my schizophrenia symptoms. Of course it is just my imagination. I know that now but not as much in the thick of it.
SOMETIMES I descend into a funk and really get some weird, distorted ideas in my head about my self-image and public image. I have sometimes been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder which is a combination of schizophrenia and a mood disorder (like chronic major depression or a bipolar disorder).
HAVE you ever watched the Jim Carrey movie called "The Truman Show? "
THIS ONE talks about stigma, harassment, and discrimination in public transportation.
WHY is it so hard to find welfare-to-work when you are on disability benefits? This was first written about 20 years ago, and not much has changed since then.
WHEN you can't talk about it, it is difficult secretly being crazy at work or school.
Those are all the essays.
Update: I live in a group home (warehouse, poorhouse, and prison) in Ohio now--unemployed, medicated, and still on disability. The Schizophrenic LifestyleTM rides on!
Contact me at vicinage1970@outlook.com